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So I’m in the middle of the infamous TWW, or Two Week Waiting period, which is the time between ovulation and finding out whether or not I’m pregnant. I can get a blood test on Wednesday. My breasts have been sore for about a week now which historically was an indication of pregnancy, but one time out of three it was just related to my period so I’m not counting on this symptom. But I’m also dreaming up a storm. The dreaming and the breast soreness usually doesn’t happen until the week before my period and this time it started almost 2 weeks before. I could go on and on with all the reasons why I’m hoping I’m pregnant but really it doesn’t mean anything, as I’ve learned. I just have to wait and see.

It was almost two years ago that Dr. Stein told us that if we want to have a baby, we must start immediately if not sooner. After all of the miscarriages, Dr. Beer testing and treatment and lyme testing and treatment, it’s now almost two years later which, in someone my age, can make the difference between getting pregnant and no longer being able to get pregnant. Long story short = there’s just no more time to waste. Therefore, we’ve decided that if I’m not pregnant this cycle, we’re moving on to IUI, or Intra-Uterine Insemination. The doctor will monitor my cycle and right when I ovulate, will inject my husband’s sperm directly into my uterus. I talked to Dr. Chung’s office at USC Fertility and it will cost somewhere between $1k and $2k depending on how much monitoring I need. At least the office is very close to work.

The receptionist at my new job has just started telling people she’s 13 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound pics are up on the wall, and every time I go to get the mail (about three times a day) I get to hear about her OB appointments and her complaints about how she can’t eat anything because she gets sick. I’d like to say “I don’t want to hear about your good luck and outstanding abilities to procreate, please stop talking” but instead what comes out of my mouth is “that’s so exciting! Congratulations!” which is a good thing.

I also like to torture myself with the TLC show Deliver Me, which I love. But today I watched one where the woman was complaining about how she doesn’t like being pregnant. I want to reach through the television and punch her in the face.

My Mom gave me all of our family photos along with her diaries starting from before I was born. She was depressed a lot of the time, extremely self-centered and not a very attentive or kind mother. She left my brother and I with a nanny while she worked and went out most nights to the bar with my Dad. There is a diary entry when I was four that reads “[me] will be home all week. I guess it will be ok.” She also mentions how she had to spank either my brother or me to sleep to get us to take a nap when we were about 18 months. How do you spank a child to sleep? It’s amazing to have all these diaries but at the same time it makes me very sad to think that my Mom was such an unhappy person and to learn that she really didn’t like me very much. It took me until I was 39 (after two years of therapy) to believe that I won’t be like her when I’m a mom. I just hope I didn’t wait too long because I think I’ll be a great mama and that my husband will be such a great daddy. But it’s hard not to believe that the universe is trying to tell me something after everything that we’ve been through. And it’s hard to have hope and faith when at the same time I need to know for my own sanity that I won’t die if I don’t ever get pregnant.